The Homemade Mayo Saga

Hey there!

I’ve been convinced to share this on my writer blog, even though it’s not remotely writing related. If nothing else, it should prove that writers are people too, eh? So hopefully you can enjoy the hilarity of 4 uncomfortably-glutened, sugar-addicted, cheese-fanatic, closet drunks who love to cook trying out the Whole 30 diet.

The TLDR version

Whole 30 Month, Day – 1: In trying to make our own mayonnaise, we accidentally made hollandaise sauce, you guys. Also, don’t try to double-quadruple (that’s 8x right?) a mayo recipe if you’ve never made mayonnaise before. Trust me on this.

The Whole (30) Story

Big (temporary) changes are happening here at Kittenmost Manor! Along with myself, my partner James & our housemates, Eric and Amanda (not her real name), have decided to do the Whole 30** diet for the next 30 days, starting today.

**For those who don’t know this diet cuts out all grains, dairy (except eggs), sugar/artificial sweeteners, beans & alcohol. Which means, processesd foods are pretty much out (hence the “whole” in the name). Meats, all veggies & fruits are OK as are nuts & seeds (no peanuts) & coffee/tea (thank F!).**

We all realize we’ve been eating/drinking our feelings throughout 2020 and as a friend said a few years ago “we need to put ourselves in time out”. However, if you know me, you’ll know I hate to be limited and I’m not one for fad diets or “food trendz” (except avocado toast. Love that shiz), so this is going to be interesting. Who knows? 2020 was a shitshow, so 2021 may as well be for doing things you’d never do before…and it’s only a month, right? Right?!

This last weekend was the pre-start of the diet. We’ve been testing out W30 recipes & eating our last gluten, dairy and sugar vices while crying. We collectively probably have food intolerances to most things, though we are all too stubborn and too foodie-y to actually cut things out.

But now I’m ready. If for nothing else to prove to ourselves we can do something we put our mind to. Not saying it’s going to be easy, but it is…at least…going to be hilarious.

Like, tonight Eric and I decided to make homemade mayonnaise. It’s just eggs and oil, right? How hard can it be? Well…um…hard actually.

Are We too Stupid for Homemade Mayo?

How to make mayonnaise in less than 10 minutes! Using whole eggs instead of just the yolk, makes this homemade mayonnaise recipe practically fail-proof and extra easy.
This is the “fail-proof” mayonnaise recipe we used and according to the site we failed. But, how spectacularly, you ask?

Here are the things I learned from the homemade mayonnaise saga:
1. It’s not just eggs and oil, turns out…
2. You can crack an egg on the counter rather than on a sharp surface to keep shells from getting into your food. WAAAAAT?! INORITE?! Mind. Blown.
3. They make 2TBSP measuring spoons…who knew?
4. Quadrupling a recipe you’ve never made is ambition, Eight-timesing a recipe is stupidity
5. While it’s not baking science, mayonnaise making is still science
6. One word: Emulsification

The mayo came out fairly liquidy so pretty much, we made hollandaise sauce which wasn’t actually hard. So I have to call bullshit on my dad’s “secret” eggs benedicts recipe now…David Clark, you’ve been holding out on me.

Ok, I guess it wasn’t an utter failure (though it was an udder failure, no dairy here! har har har har). But it wasn’t as successful as we’d like either. And holy crap it takes a lot of time. When they say “drip” the oil in slowly, you’d better effin’ drip the oil in slowly or so help you God…

However, it worked like the bomb-diggity in this Curry Chicken Salad so we still have a good use for the 6(ish) cups we made even though we threw away 1/2 of the pre-oil mixture b/c we didn’t want to emulsify that with 8 c. of oil. Yeah…shut up ok? I can hear you judging from here.

Maybe soon we’ll try mayo making part deux…though probably after a week of curry-chicken salad! 😛

Also, I may have found a new every-day caffeine drink that won’t kill my stomach: warm unsweetened coconut milk, vanilla, cinnamon and black tea (or half coffee).

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So that’s about it for day -1. Let’s see if we can keep this going through the actual month! Stay healthy!

Lyndsie Clark

Hi! I’m Lyndsie! Writer. Artist. Linguist. Swordfighter. Cosplayer. Model. I grew up in Boulder, Colorado, the only child of hippie parents. As a bored extrovert, I spent a lot of time in my imagination. Encouraged from an early age to write stories, I immersed myself in fantastical realms and completed my first novel at 15 years old. I have learned much since then writing more epic fantasy and dipping my toe into modern science fiction. Nowadays, my creativity has taken a darker turn as I explore dystopian worlds and post-apocalyptic futures. My cyberpunk series, The Savant Uprising, is currently in progress. I am in the process of submitting the first book, In Memoriam, for publication. I love cats, the sun, and my crazy life. Come join me on this adventure!

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